Alpha to Omega

I didn't know what to post today, as I have spent the last 24 hours doped up on perkocet. I needed an easy subject, and I sincerely apologize for the sheer banality of it (But, while we're on the subject, I'll just apologize for all my posts, as they are all fairly innane as well).

I've been asked several times in the last few days to define 'chickenhead'. This is a word that has somehow managed to penetrate (also a good word) my conversations on a fairly regular basis.

I'm not quite sure to begin. Usually when I try to explain the term to someone who is, in fact, a chickenhead themselves, they don't understand what I am trying to say. I will attempt though, to be clear by using examples and imagery.

You are driving down the street when suddenly, out of nowhere, an ugly, obnoxious sports car passes you on the right going a million miles too fast and blaring shitty techno. You may have just encountered a chickenhead.

You know that guy you see every once in awhile who wears white jeans and skintight knit shirts and so much gel in his hair you can almost see your reflection in it? Also a chickenhead.

The female chickenhead can be far more irritating than the male one. This is because, though they don't necessarily have more to prove, they are not as capable of hiding it. These are the girls you see in the middle of February running down the street in high heels and miniskirts towards a lineup to a shitty bar in which they will get wasted on over-priced, watered down drinks, dance (badly) to bad music and end up fucking the first guy that hits on them.

These chickenheads are more prevalent. However, there are different varieties of chickenheads.

Sporty chicken is that girl you see who really wants to be one of the guys and tries very hard to impress them with her beer chugging capabilities and her extensive hockey knowledge. Or, it's that guy who looks at people who engage in 'stupid' activities (stupid being anything that isn't 'active', such as reading a book) as not living their lives to the fullest. Surfer guy and snowboard bunny also fall into this category.

Then, there is college sweater-wearing chicken. These are the least obvious chickenheads, and it is often hard to determine their true colors. In some cases though, these are the girls who feel that they have some sort of moral and educational superiority to you simply because you may enjoy wearing something other than the same smelly sweater every day (this must be the reason they are so angry). Tickets to a Lillith Fair are a dead give away.

I could go on about the other varieties of chicken, but the truth is, the term is chickenhead for a reason. It all tastes the same.

You could be a chickenhead if:

1. Your entire identity hinges on some kind of material asset or image and you feel a constant need to prove this.
2. When you open your mouth to speak, nothing of substance comes out and it sounds like 'braawwwwwwck'.
3. You find people with integrity and artistic ability to be boring.
4. You irritate the fuck out of me.

Hopefully, for those of you who were wondering, that clears things up a bit. If you need further clarification, please let me know.