Alpha to Omega

I've been noticing lately the alarming rate at which myself and the people around me are swearing up and down that they want things they in fact do not want at all. Am I wrong when I say we all want someone to pet us and say "It's all going to be alright"? Am I wrong when I say we all want someone to touch us the way we want to be touched? I doubt it, and yet, we're all insisting that we want a no-strings-attached kind of relationship in which no one exerts any kind of human emotion. This is all fine when you find someone who is useless and stupid and could only ever offer you a ride and a bed to sleep in on drunken Saturday nights. Most of the time, these are the kinds of people I encounter. But, every so often, it seems divine providence wants to fuck with my plans for Warholian Indifference, and tell the sucker centres in my brain partial to spiritual fanaticism that "something more is going on here". This isn't a problem; I'm the type to over-react initially and then get bored and move on. But, somehow within the slim percentage of a chance that I find someone I actually give a shit about, there is another slim percentage of a chance that they may actually be interesting, and feel the same way about me. I hate this entry so far, but if you really think I'm the type to go to the movies and cry over something Sandra Bullock did or said to some average looking guy then keep reading.

Case in point (and not a personal one), after a terrible experience with her last boyfriend, my friend Scarlet wanted only someone interesting to spend time with, and to take things very slowly in all fields. So, when she met Timmy she was overjoyed. He didn't kiss her until their second date, and seemed all up for getting to know her properly. He called her all the time, and they could often be seen gallivanting about, doing whatever it is that they did. At some point (about a month into all this, I believe) Timmy got weird. It took some coaxing to get Timmy to admit that he wasn't interested in a committed relationship. Scarlet could only laugh, citing the fact that he was the one who had phoned her every day, sometimes twice a day, for the past month. At this point he claimed that she had "spooked him" (I believe those were his actual words). So, I was left wondering, as was Scarlet, whether or not the poor boy was not actually just afraid of his own emotions, i.e. Did little Timmy spook himself?

This is a familiar story, I know, but the rate at which it seems to be happening around me makes me wonder if we are all not just afraid of being emotional. I haven't quite found the balance between robotron and histrionic myself (ah, who are we kidding, I'm as crazy as a fucking southern preacher), but it seems that everyone I know is either nuts or hiding behind some stone faced facade, which isn't healthy either. What are we all so afraid of? Past experiences are no excuse, we all have them, and they all suck. The problem is that because we don't know what we want, can't properly communicate it, or are afraid of becoming emotionally attached to another human being (god forbid), we end up hurting ourselves and others as well.

I think another part of the problem is the hang-ups people seem to have over labelling things. My definition of ‘friend’ for instance is quite different from some people I know, who seem to think that a friend is just anyone you’ve ever had a pint with or a casual conversation on the phone. These people are not my friends; they are friendly acquaintances. So, if I’m going to have a ‘just friends’ kind of sexual relationship with this type of person, I’m bound to feel a little neglected and the other person is bound to ask me (with a fair amount of annoyance in his voice) why I’m acting like we’re in a relationship. We are in a relationship. I hate that the word has come to have intense romantic connotations. Go buy a dictionary; you have a ‘relationship’ with your mother too. Most of the time, people don’t enter into something with the intention of tying the other person down for the rest of their lives, or asking them to tether themselves with a ankle-bracelet that will monitor their every move. Most of the time, they just want the other person to give a shit.

In my case, I usually end up being accused of getting too emotionally involved. I do apologize to these people, and try to refrain from suggesting that maybe they want to believe my soul burns for them, when in fact all I want is sex and someone with good friend potential. In this type of situation, we both end up being frustrated and pissing on something that could have been a lot of fun.

In Timmy and Scarlet’s case, we have two people who are attracted to each other, but so committed to fitting into the formulas and pie charts and bullshit they’ve set up for themselves that in the end everything is just mucked up. Everything ends, usually. If it is going to end, why not just flow with it in the meantime?

I really hate this entry. I really hate it, and I might get in trouble for it, but hey, fuck off...I'm entitled to react to things however I want to.

So, why write it? Because I spent last Sunday musing over how no one but me could possibly “get” the depth and momentousness of Ok Computer until they had two security guards standing outside the heavy metal door of a safe room with pink walls stained with who-knows-what-but-I-can-imagine, the hardest mattress I’ve ever encountered, and fluorescent lights that had me on the edge of some bad thoughts, all while being filmed by a conspicuous black globe hanging from the ceiling. That is why, and it wasn’t any one thing that put me in there, it was years and years of not knowing what to demand of others, and therefore never having it fulfilled.

Mostly though, I have been dwelling on this issue and have been very pissed off about being accused of demanding something that I in fact do not want, and seeing everyone around me get hurt in similar circumstances. I would also appreciate any comments/personal experiences/opinions (if you think I am wrong, please let me know), even though personal experiences all start to sound the same.

On a happier note, I had some ideas…new entry.