Alpha to Omega

I decided that meeting drunken men in bars wasn't the best way to spice up my love life. I also decided that since I found writing to be an enjoyable communication medium, as well as very capable of revealing things about ones intelligence, I would set aside my skepticism and find cyber love. The problem I have encountered is that there seems to be an awful lot of people who do not speak English. I don't think this is because they are foreign, or even that they have spent a lot of time in another country lately and somehow forgotten their native tongue. No...I believe it's because the online population is sadly just as skewed towards idiot as it is in reality. I was astonished, naturally, and had to ask myself where all the ugly geek boys and neurotic anti-social types were.

I registered a profile on this site that was full of people who sounded like used car advertisements and had no idea how to talk about themselves without sounding exactly like everyone else. A typical profile went something like this:

“Hi there!!! I’m a fun __ year old who likes all kinds of sports as well as many types of cultural activities. I’m very versatile and can spend the night looking good, being crazy and partying it up or hiking all day in sweat pants. I am just looking for someone special to spend time with and if something more happens then great!!! If not then I have a new friend and that’s great too! If you’re an optimistic, active, and sexy person then why not talk to me, you just might be the one I’ve been waiting for!!”

Of course, the spelling is accurate and some of the words are a bit bigger than some of them could possibly comprehend, but that’s the general idea. Generally, the women have to include something about being open to going to sporting events and being “crazy”, and the men have to talk about being sensitive, caring and having a lot of female friends.

My profile talked about literacy, integrity, my hatred of materialism, my ‘strong dislike’ of sports, the music and books I like, and what I wanted (see previous entries), and yet somehow I was still getting messages from people who were cheering on the local hockey team and talking about how much money they made in their opening lines.

I am including for your entertainment a play-by-play of a conversation I recently had on said site; comments are in italics.

GUY: you sound like a piece of work ;)

The emoticon makes a common appearance when people are impotent to express themselves in writing. I’m not sure who to blame for this, but the public education system seems like a good enough place to start. There is more evidence of illiteracy with the use of the words ‘your’, ‘you’re’, ‘their’, ‘there’, ‘a lot’, ‘i’, etc. I’m sure you get the general idea. As far as his particular comment, what it communicated to me was this: “You’re the feisty type who’s gonna give me shit when I have the boys over to drink bad beer and watch the game, but I’m sure the sex will be worth it.” I could actually hear his flatulence in my head.

ME: A piece of work?
JACKASS: don’t read too deeply. i was only kidding

At this point, I perused his profile to see what he had to say. I’m quoting exactly when I say: I’m not going to say a lot on here. I just trust that your intuition will lead you in the right direction.

ME: You leave a lot up to the imagination, isn’t that dangerous?
LARRY, CURLY & MOE: it’s only dangerous if we meet. on here you’re safe. :P

The way to a woman’s heart…scaring her.

ME: What I’m saying is that it must be hard to get someone to want to talk to you when there isn’t anything to be interested in.
WANKER: woman have a thing called intuition, i trust it lead them to the right direction.
ME: Intuition is fine, but my intuition would tell me there was a reason someone was being secretive about themselves.

For example, short man syndrome…

FUCKHEAD: that’s because you’re an existentialist. lol where’s your pic then brat? :)

Almost as much as the emoticon, the ‘lol’ is the bane of my online existence as it is normally used due to a lack of anything substantial to say.

ME: I could just go out and pick people up at the bar if I wanted to base this on appearance. I’m really tired of having conversations where people try to look down my shirt and just smile and nod while I talk to them. Besides, and this is AS an existentialist, pictures say nothing about who we are.
I’M NOT MOST GUYS: you’re right about that. Most guys you’re right about that way but there are those exceptions that require to know what goes on between a womans ears

It really bothers me that just because I demand some fucking integrity out of people I turn into some kind of feminist. Then, not only do they insult me by accusing me of that, they manufacture an answer to go along with my manufactured identity.

ME: It’s not about the gender….most people are incompetent with regard to everyone’s mind.
DR. PHIL: yes, people need to be more respectful.
ME: Right, and that begins with not just telling people what you think they want to hear.
LONG WALKS ON BEACH?: I hope your not pointing your finger at me miss darling.
ME: I do get the impression that you think you can charm me…trust me, I’m better at that; I have great…intuition.
YESMAN: you are making me smile. i’ll give you that. i’m just being myself
ME: have you had a lot of contacts on here?
MYSTERIOUS DUDE: a few, you?
ME: I kind of have my hands full. I think the only reason I’m getting so many hits is because I used the word ‘sex’ and mentioned that I wasn’t materialistic. It seems strange though that they still think they can drag me to hockey games.
LUCKY YOU: well, you’ll be happy to know that what got me was that you mentioned you’re an existentialist ;) by the way what is that?

I’m not sure what the point of wanting me to patronize him was, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m sure he thought that playing dumb was somehow a comment on my own intellect.

ME: Do you like books?
HALFWIT: I do but different than you’re into
ME: such as?
AVID SPORTSMAN: for example, i’m really into golf right now so i’ll read everything i can about the subject. i love learning. how about you?
ME: Sure, I love learning too. I just finished a big non-fiction stint myself. It was on the black plague and its historical effects on the world. Then, I got onto the subject of antibiotic resistance; did you know that antibiotic resistance is going to wipe out the human race? Oh, and I hate sports by the way.
MULLIGAN: i like the subject of antibiotic resistence. i think it’s fascinating. you mentioned sports
ME: We can talk about sports, that’s just fine. The only problem may be that my point of view on the matter is that sports are a way for the weak to conform to the desires of an empty and soulless culture.

I don’t know anyone who can be more overbearing than that. I was really hoping he would at least try.

SOCIAL STUDIES 101 STUDENT: there will always be serfs and peasants we can’t change that. now fair is fair...can I see a picture?
ME: LOL, why are you afraid I weigh 200 lbs just because I’m not “ACTIVE”?
FAIR IS FAIR: fair is fair
ME: I don’t know what that means. Why are you so concerned with what I look like (you know you’re on the internet right?) Can’t you just have a conversation without the pretence of romantic involvement? Besides, what makes you think we will ever even meet?
LIFE IS FAIR: it’s something you said about being open earlier. if you’re not interested, that’s fine.

Now, what in the world would make this jackass think that after reading a cryptic profile and having a boring and unenlightening conversation I would want to meet up for cocktails? My real question is are there people online who are so desperate as to jump at the first coffee offer they get? I think my theory is that they believe if they can lie their way to the first meeting, somehow everything will work out for the best and wedding bells will chime.

ME: I understand being open. I don’t understand what that has to do with my picture. I assure you I don’t hide my face from the public, but if I wanted to go and be looked at, that is what I would do. Also, as far as being interested goes, I already told you I had my hands full...I do like conversations though.
MEAGRE RETALIATION: ok then brat. i was born 30 years ago and not 22 ;p like I always say words whisper, actions scream and you girl are screaming. anyhow thank you for the conversation and have good day

The age badge. What is it about age that gives someone acumen over someone else?

I’m not yet sure that this conversation wasn’t just some acquaintance of mine playing a joke on me. If it was, it was a riot and thank-you.

Will keep you all posted on my further online adventures. Until next time...please strike ‘long walks on the beach’ from the record.

LOVE CD