The Vault
- April 2004
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- June 2004
- July 2004
- August 2004
- September 2004
- October 2004
- November 2004
- December 2004
- January 2005
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- April 2005
- May 2005
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- August 2005
- October 2005
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- December 2006
- January 2007
- February 2007
- March 2007
- April 2007
- November 2007
Refuge for the rational.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Fewww! For A Minute There I Lost Myself
The idea of self is so absurd. As if "I" is ever the same person from one moment to the next. Right now, I feel sick; I have a creeping nausea that comes from excessive thinking about things that really don't concern me at all. Or rather, don't concern the me that is going to one day be over all of this and not care. I am listening to Radiohead with the blinds drawn in a depressing display of my own thirst for dramatic Hollywood movie scenes. I can still laugh at myself and I'm not broken and one day I will be over all of this. The real problem is that I don't want to be over this, I don't want to be ok with seeing you on the street, it seems too much like a bad joke to me and I won't let the powers that be live it down that easily. I feel hungry even though I've been eating constantly all day. I'm writing a ridiculous blog entry that no one but myself will understand, and I don't care because I'm supposed to be writing a philosophy paper and this is the kind of language I've had to deal with all day.
And what about you? You aren't the same person I met and you aren't going to be the same person when this is all through. You and I. That's different too. You and I are still too much together when 'we' should be apart. I'm feeling forced into something neither of us wants, for reasons I don't fully understand, and I feel like we're being punished for something we did but can't identify. But, I can't find a way to be around you even though I care and I can't give you two things at once with ambivalence in return; I'm terribly impossible.
This doesn't leave us anywhere. Even if I were to bolt for the door we would still be left clamoring for each other and pawing at people we don't really want to ease the inevitable frustration. I suppose I could try to asses the most beneficial situation from a list of pro and contra, but they wouldn't be anything more than words. And that's all this is, just words.
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