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Refuge for the rational.
Friday, August 13, 2004
How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found
In the last few days I have been very depressed. There isn't really any reason for it, though I suppose as usual I'm painfully dissatisfied with the way things have been and the things that aren't happening but should be. You know how it is.
So, what I did was, I decided that I needed a vacation. I decided that I just needed to disappear to a different city and not tell anyone I was going and just start over again. Meet new people, get a new cat, a new place, eat new food, watch foreign movies. Then I realised that I live in N. America and everything requires me to have money. So, what I did instead was change my msn name to How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found, just so that everyone will know that I am going to disappear, and now I'm refusing to come online or to talk to anyone. I'm sleeping and eating only when I want to and I've rented a bunch of Japanese films about love and death and I may lock myself in here and watch them all night or I may go out and wander around downtown as people play out their dramas on the way to the bar. At any rate, I will be alone, and that will be good.
The next thing I am going to do is fall in love. Not right away of course, or even with the next person I meet. Rather, this is a revelation because I was in love and to some degree still am, and when it ended we were both still waiting for something to happen. By this time though, I think life is too short to wait and think about what I feel and what it means and the fucking structure of the relationship. It should just be. And, if I continue being so cynical as to think there isn't someone out there who can make the hair on the back of my neck stand up just from walking into the room, I won't be here much longer. So, instead of dwelling over the love that I've lost, I will be receptive of the love that will be coming to me. I just need a little romance in my life right now, that's all.
This is terrible. I must now reproach myself publicly for this cheesy, feminine display. I don't know what's come over me.
It's just that there are so many people who turn thirty and give up. You know these people, the ones who had passionate affairs but have become jaded and tired and now settle for any non-smoking, conservative, slightly interesting person as long as they want to vacation in the same places and eat the same foods. This kind of satisfaction scares me and disgusts me. I also can't figure out why there are so many of these people around. If it can't last, then give me a dozen moments of passion over a lifetime of satisfaction.
I think I've been angry in the past few days as well. I think I'm still angry that I feel guilty when I say that I want someone to love me in that passionate, romantic, dramatic gestures kind of way. It's partly my fault; I suppose that my cynicism has not lended itself to grand gestures and professions, but that doesn't explain why I should feel guilt in wanting it. But, this is why disappearing feels so good; I can't feel guilt in front of strangers, they haven't assigned me with a personality yet.
So, what I did was, I decided that I needed a vacation. I decided that I just needed to disappear to a different city and not tell anyone I was going and just start over again. Meet new people, get a new cat, a new place, eat new food, watch foreign movies. Then I realised that I live in N. America and everything requires me to have money. So, what I did instead was change my msn name to How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found, just so that everyone will know that I am going to disappear, and now I'm refusing to come online or to talk to anyone. I'm sleeping and eating only when I want to and I've rented a bunch of Japanese films about love and death and I may lock myself in here and watch them all night or I may go out and wander around downtown as people play out their dramas on the way to the bar. At any rate, I will be alone, and that will be good.
The next thing I am going to do is fall in love. Not right away of course, or even with the next person I meet. Rather, this is a revelation because I was in love and to some degree still am, and when it ended we were both still waiting for something to happen. By this time though, I think life is too short to wait and think about what I feel and what it means and the fucking structure of the relationship. It should just be. And, if I continue being so cynical as to think there isn't someone out there who can make the hair on the back of my neck stand up just from walking into the room, I won't be here much longer. So, instead of dwelling over the love that I've lost, I will be receptive of the love that will be coming to me. I just need a little romance in my life right now, that's all.
This is terrible. I must now reproach myself publicly for this cheesy, feminine display. I don't know what's come over me.
It's just that there are so many people who turn thirty and give up. You know these people, the ones who had passionate affairs but have become jaded and tired and now settle for any non-smoking, conservative, slightly interesting person as long as they want to vacation in the same places and eat the same foods. This kind of satisfaction scares me and disgusts me. I also can't figure out why there are so many of these people around. If it can't last, then give me a dozen moments of passion over a lifetime of satisfaction.
I think I've been angry in the past few days as well. I think I'm still angry that I feel guilty when I say that I want someone to love me in that passionate, romantic, dramatic gestures kind of way. It's partly my fault; I suppose that my cynicism has not lended itself to grand gestures and professions, but that doesn't explain why I should feel guilt in wanting it. But, this is why disappearing feels so good; I can't feel guilt in front of strangers, they haven't assigned me with a personality yet.
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