Alpha to Omega

Great, now that I have your attention, so do Liberals.

Due to the proliferation of repetitive arguments highlighting why such and such party is better than such and such party and the widespread use of the colours red and blue, I’ve decided to be innovative and attempt to play peacemaker. I expect that you will all listen honestly and respectfully and not resort to provocation and/or name-calling.

Firstly, Conservatives, this is why Liberals hate you:

1. If you haven’t had everything handed to you on a silver platter, you’re probably one of those tiresome rags to riches stories and you figure everyone should be able to do the same. Well, hardass, I have news for you – some people are REALLY DUMB. And yes, I know, you believe we need to cleanse the gene pool and whatnot, but that brings me to number two…

2. I know you think you’re better and more deserving of the things the Social Contract outlines, but let’s face it – some of you have your Christian values, which supposedly say that everyone is equal (not to mention the whole charity bit) and some of you believe in Social Darwinism, (aka: Evolution, aka: We were all spawned from the same freaky single celled organism) - they don’t really mesh, do they?

3. When you try to be PC, you just end up offending people. Just say what you mean for once ok? ‘Persons of the coloured persuasion’ is NOT politically correct.

4. Despite the fact that corporations don’t physically have penises, they DO like to fuck people in the ass. Liberals really don’t like that you support these giant dicks – makes them feel all icky.

5. You like to brag to other countries about the rich cultural fabric of your country and dress them up in cowboy gear, but you don’t like to fund cultural things like the arts. Where the hell is the sense in that?

6. You won’t take Howard Dean…please, take him, he’s yours.

Your turn Liberals:

1. Throwing money at things doesn’t fix them. It’s about time you learned about the concept of efficiency, aka: guess what cokeheads spend money on?

2. You like to trap conservatives with accusations of –isms when they use the ‘incorrect’ terminology.

3. Some people are truly lazy – why do these people deserve things and why should I have to pay for it? This is a genuine question and yet you always roll your eyes!

4. You aren’t very creative when coming up with slogans for your picket signs…’Support Gay Marriage’? Come on – controversy gets results – it should say ‘Support Fags’ and then have a giant picture of David Hasslehoff in a speedo.

5. Three words: Bleeding Heart Bitches