Alpha to Omega

Okay. We at the Cynic Ward have never been so cynical, so snotty, so absolutely self-righteous as to post a review of other blogs. We at the Cynic Ward have had enough trouble with people suggesting that we are just a tad too negative or cynical without pointing out the travesties that are the on-screen vomit of other people’s blogs. However, that ship has sailed.

We couldn’t resist. Feel free to harangue us if you wish, but only if you know what harangue means without the help of dicitionary.com. Otherwise, [I'll leave it up to your imagination]. I was perusing the directory at blogexplosion and I happened upon a section entitled Just for Men. Interesting, I thought to myself, this should be good for a laugh. How could I have known it would be so pathetic as to inspire an entire entry?

Let’s review a few, shall we?

1. Oh look, it’s everybody’s favourite blog, Dating Help For Men, that Zydeco Fish and I have taken a keen interest in hating. Words cannot express just how stupid the writer of this blog is. If I were to venture a guess, I would say that he is a junior at some lowly technical college. It’s good to see that they’re ahead of the curve when it comes to education. According to the summary, this is a blog that will help you: Be the man you have always wanted to be. Succede today. concepts to help you get the attractive women that you have always wanted. Learn to approach any woman it doesn't matter if your ugly, fat, or bald (Who needs punctuation—just let it linger.) In a poll entitled "Type of Girl You Want", 35% of the voters (all 17) claimed that they wanted to date a woman who was “intelligent”. Oh, the irony.

I’m not exactly sure what makes this person think that he is any kind of authority on women, but he claims: The game that women play is always hidden.. The logical thinking is never there. You will not here a girl tell you she wants to make love to you. You must read the cues.. tonight I had to learn the hard way.. Don't get me wrong I eventually succeded it just took me longer than it needed to. Yay! Succes! How would you pronounce that exactly—sucksees, maybe?

I’m not going to deny the presence of stupid women out there (or, evidently men, as it would seem this blog has many devoted readers). In fact, I’m not going to deny that most of them are stupid and probably would fit this idiot’s profile of women. The moral of the story is that if you are lost enough to venture advice from this blog, you will be told that you need to: play silly games; subscribe to transparent, false and insulting stereotypes of both men and women; fight for power; and formulize your interactions with other people as if they were some kind of chemistry experiment. Good job JBG. I hope you have a lot of anonymous missionary sex with a lot of bleach blondes who are “smarter than they look”. Suffice to say, you succ.

2. Meet Woman Blog. The name says it all: “I man, you wo-man” is pretty much the mantra here. Not only do the writers and readers seem to be completely dumbfounded as to the singular and plural versions of the word “woman”, most of the time it reads like a National Geographic. Case in point, a question from a reader begins thus: I have been wanting to meet a women for a while, but when I see one, I never have enough courage to approach her. Here's what I say when I read that: The clever male is poised for attack in the bushes while the female, unawares, continues her shoe shopping. She is picking up a red pump and suddenly--the male is overwhelmed in spite of himself! The male accepts the females signal of feminine girth with the presentation of the red pump and slowly retreats. Well Dave, I think your problem might lie somewhere in the words “when I see one”. Try tranquilizer darts, that might subdue one.

Now, the advice on this blog isn’t nearly as shortsighted and formulaic as our friend’s over at Dating Help for Men. That is, if you ignore the fact that this site is a ploy to sell the author’s book and lines like “And if we feel that special tingle between our legs, we know we've found a winner!”

Enlightening. It’s at this point in the program that I would like to send out a special “hello and thank-you” to all of the real men in my life.

3. Nightporter and His Fav Thingz. I’ll admit, I didn’t make it past: Women love penises just like you as a man love pussies and breasts. The penis is the favorite topic of conversation among women. Talking about it makes them happy, interacting with one makes them really happy.....
Really? I’m really sorry to break it to you guys—we don’t sit around and talk about penises. Never. At least, I don’t—but maybe you shouldn’t take my word for it. After all, my nails and hair and boobs are real. And I was never an extra on Sex and the City (little known fact: this show is also known as “A Really Lame Attempt to Feminize Alpha-male Tendencies and Give Genuine Feminism a Bad Name”, but that name was too long so they had to change it).

4. The Best Gay Blogs. It’s interesting that my definition of “hot” is a little faggier than theirs.
*Sorry--No linkage. This blog has been removed since my first visit.

5. Da Players Guide to Pimpin. I think it’s a horrible shame that decades of work by devoted, honourable and ridiculously wise civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr. have still not managed to dispel the myth of the African-American as illiterate, criminal and poor. I think using language like the title above promotes that ideal and I think that the idea of gangster rap (I didn’t say ALL rap) as an empowering form of communication for people who do suffer from poverty and illiteracy is ludicrous and only harming their cause by promoting an image of illiteracy, materialism and class/sex/racial division.

And now, just to subdue you who are already poised for attack, the answer is "yes". I do realise that some men (and women, for that matter) have serious issues when it comes to meeting people, to starting relationships, to being comfortable in a social setting. But, these are deep-seated psychological and emotional problems. A gorgeous blonde with big tits, no matter how successful you were in picking her up, is not going to solve these problems and neither is the generic Dr. Primetime advice to which you're subscribing. The people who seek advice on these so-called "advice" pages--who think having someone else is going to fix their problems--and most of the time the people who write the advice, are the last people who should be pursuing a relationship with another person. There is no secret formula to people. Go cross stitch this onto a pillow and put it somewhere in plain sight: You are only lonely because you hate yourself. Try fixing that first.

*It would seem that deletions and additions are common and frequent over at Just For Men. Please note that the author of this blog does not wish to insult any of the people listed in the Just For Men section simply by virtue of association. I also apologize to my readers for a less than complete review of all the blogs in this section, but the truth is I was far too bored to continue.